Chemo 2.9 done! 🎉

Halloween edition. It was a Herceptin day, on top of the Abraxane chemo dose, so I’m gearing up for an extra sleep-heavy weekend. Today included a ride there from a dear friend, complete with a stop to pick up fun lunch items, and a beloved neighbor bringing me home. Weepy visit with my NP, as we talked about a number of things, including the fact that there will be unknowns at every step of this, for the rest of my life. They’re monitoring my heart and liver function now, sure, but who’s to say all these treatments won’t wreak havoc on some organ years down the line? All kinds of things can hit. She told me that the port scars on my neck and chest are permanent. And I will likely have pigmentation changes from the radiation burning my skin, once I do radiation (late winter).

For some reason, the visible scars and skin changes almost make me saddest of anything yet. Losing control of the way your body looks, without warning, is saddening. Being single and never married, I constantly feel under pressure to try to stay as attractive as possible to have the best chance possible of finding a life partner and well, this is all a very strange blow. There is grief. Please don’t comment trying to make me feel better. This is a reality that I just need to wrestle with.

Healthwise, I continue to feel like I am thriving. I’m often surprised when I pass a mirror, because what I see there doesn’t match how good I feel. I am tired and sleep a lot for a few days after each weekly chemo infusion (and even more so when I get the Herceptin every three weeks), but otherwise I feel normal. My face is irritated from time to time, and my eyebrows are nearly gone, so I look different. I feel better than I look.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about the fact that my quality of life is so high. That’s what this fancier chemo drug has given me- it’s giving me my life back (hopefully), by killing cancer cells, but it’s also giving me my life back because, since I don’t feel sick, I live fully every day. I laugh, I do laundry, I shop, I cook, I plan, I exercise. And that is an extraordinary thing. Every day I feel I am living proof of “the more you do, the more you can do”.

I dressed up for Halloween for the first time since last century. I’m a bald eagle (get it?!). My yellow talons are my favorite part 🦅🎃